Why I’m Afraid to Send Nudes to My Boyfriend, Even Though I Love His Dick Pics

Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a reader who loves receiving dick pics from her boyfriend, but feels conflicted about sending her own nudes. Have your own question? Ask it here.

DEAR VANESSA: I really enjoy getting dick pics from my boyfriend, and I ask him to send them to me often. But the problem is that I don’t want to reciprocate. I know it’s hypocritical, but I get scared about the photos somehow leaking. I also don’t get very turned on by taking them. My boyfriend has commented that he would like me to send some to him in return, but he hasn’t pushed the issue. I feel guilty about it, but not guilty enough to send my own dirty pics. Is this OK? – Dick Pic Aficionado, 23

DEAR DPA: Reciprocity is an important quality in a relationship. You want there to be a balance in how much you and your partner each contribute to your relationship, including to your sex life. But reciprocity doesn’t need to mean doing the exact same things to and for each other. Plenty of people like receiving things that they don’t like giving, or giving things that they don’t like receiving. It’s up to you and your boyfriend to decide what feels right for you.

If he enjoys sending dick pics and you enjoy receiving them, that’s perfectly OK. You just want to make sure that you’re contributing to keeping things sexy in your relationship in other ways. Keeping your sex life exciting and interesting takes a lot of effort, and you and your boyfriend should share in that effort together.

If taking sexy pics is a hard “no” for you, you’re allowed to make that boundary.

Keep in mind that putting effort into your sex life may not always feel comfortable, which is why communication about your personal boundaries is important. If you haven’t already, I recommend that you spend some time thinking about your specific objections to taking sexy pictures.

Is it something that feels like a hard boundary for you? Or is there some wiggle room? Could you be open to taking some sexy pics in certain circumstances were in place, like knowing that it would mean a lot to your boyfriend, or if you had more control over the privacy aspect? (More on this below.)

It sounds like you’re not totally sure how your partner feels about you reciprocating with some nudes. You mention he’s said that he would like you to send some in return but hasn’t yet expressed any super strong opinions. It’s possible that he doesn’t care that much about you sending pics, or maybe he’s just trying to be respectful and not pressure you. The only person who can answer that question is your boyfriend, so it’s worth talking to him directly.

If taking sexy pics is a hard boundary for you, that’s OK — you get to draw that line. You can ask him if there’s anything else he’d like you to do or any other way that you can contribute to keeping your sex life exciting.

A woman taking a photo of herself in her kitchen

Getty Images

If your boyfriend would really enjoy receiving some sexy pics from you and you don’t have a hard boundary around it, it may be worth pushing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit. If you’re concerned about the security aspect, there are plenty of ways you can make the process safer.

You can make sure to never show your face, and you can email them to and from dummy email accounts. You can also show him your pictures in person, then immediately delete them from your phone. Mashable also suggests using apps to securely hide your pics on your phone, and it’s worth noting that you should make sure any identifiable traits (like tattoos or birthmarks) should be left out of any photos you’re sending, as well.

There’s also the option of taking less risque photos of yourself, while wearing lingerie or just showing unidentifiable curves of skin. You could even do a boudoir shoot and get physical copies of the photos that you keep in your possession. If you want to make the experience more sensual and arousing, you may consider having your boyfriend take pictures of you, or the two of you could even take photos of each other. The bottom line is that there are plenty of ways to make the experience safer and more arousing.

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